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in which I confess to being an anglophile

February 10, 2011

A few distinct traces of my British past:

  • I’m frequently told I have a “funny” accent
  • I have yet to encounter the question to which tea is not the answer
  • There are 2 dishes I can make from scratch in my kitchen at any given point in time, no matter how neglected the food shopping gets. One of them is a curry (the other is adobo)
  • I still carry a torch for Sherlock Holmes, but only because Mycroft is a bit daunting
  • I can’t say “knob” with a straight face
  • I eat my fries (chips) with either mayo or malt vinegar, never ketchup
  • I love the rain and gloomy weather, as do my wellies
  • Every single computer/mobile upgrade I’ve ever done included the making of a shortcut to the BBC

So, without further ado, here are two BBC standards that brought me moments of hilarity this week:

1.

From the BBC – by John Cleese.

Announcement:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey,!” “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

 

2. 

"Exterminate! Exterminate!"

Why settle for a snowman when you can build a Snow Dalek?

The blizzard and resulting snow day made for some excellent faffing about in the backyard. My assistants (2 boys, 1 yorkie, and a snowball-making machine in the form of 5-year-old girl) want to add Cybermen and K-9 to the geek menagerie. I want an Ood because I enjoy challenges and jiggly bits. Bet you a fiver the assistants win.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. February 11, 2011 1:08 pm

    Too funny! I really had to chuckle at the Spanish Navy quip!

  2. February 11, 2011 2:17 pm

    I hope the security level never reaches “The barbie is cancelled.”
    x

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