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Sorry, Psychic Network

June 16, 2009

The only horoscopes I follow and heed to the letter are the ones generated by the brilliantly wicked writers at The Onion (America’s Finest News Source). At least this way I can be sure never to be scandalously parted with my money via 900 number, and still get the mystical, shaman-like guidance I crave.

Here, go ahead and check yours as well:

From The Onion, Horoscopes

June 16, 2009 | Issue 45•25

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you’ll be sorely tempted to turn her in for the reward money.

Taurus Apr 20 – May 20

The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.

Gemini May 21 – Jun 21

If there is more to life than fishing, you don’t want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.

Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 22

You will be shocked to learn that, due to a legal fluke, your long-term houseguest is now your common-law wife.

Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22

Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.

Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22

After 14 long years, you will be admitted to the Baseball Hall Of Fame when you finally come up with the $11.50 admission price.

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 23

Start childproofing your house now, as a pack of bloodthirsty feral children is headed your way.

Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 21

Telling the waitress that you could make a better cup of coffee from the sweat on your balls won’t do her any good. Show her how.

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21

You never thought anything could ever replace sex in your life, but that was before you tried pouring yourself a nice stiff drink, putting on some music, and having sex.

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19

Financial experts know that a number of factors are to blame for the downturn, but they won’t be able to shake the hunch that it was all your fault somehow.

Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18

Your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham just as much as you do.

Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20

Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.


As you can see, I’m a Libra, and the “pack of feral bloodthirsty children” has indeed arrived courtesy of school being out for the summer.

(sigh) Why must they be so uncannily good?

3 Comments leave one →
  1. June 17, 2009 12:40 pm

    Oh no…I’m a Cap and hubby is an Aries. Reading both of these together, it seems I better hide now..
    This is too damn funny!

  2. June 17, 2009 12:49 pm

    Aha! You’re right- both of those combined provide a very compelling narrative for any enterprising detective.
    Hubby better watch himself 🙂


  1. Daily Horoscopes on Wednesday 17th of June 2009

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